I broke a lot of rules when I was pregnant that first time.
First rule? I leaned against a doorway before my Indonesian
friend shouted at me to keep moving. After all, I wouldn’t want to have a
difficult labor and have the baby get stuck (which, incidentally, he did,
requiring a vacuum delivery after two hours of pushing).
Second rule? I attended a funeral, despite the fact that it
could have invited spirits to enter my womb and bother my baby, my friends
believed. But I just couldn’t miss the funeral of one of my first Indonesian
friends—sweet Yuli, who died in a motorcycle wreck at age 22.
Third? I travelled, several times, in cars, airplanes,
boats. Also, tempting spirits to harm my unborn baby, according to local
belief.
I’m sure I broke several more, and continue to break the
local customs with how I rear my kids. I let them sleep in their own room. I
let them try eating by themselves, with their own hands or utensils from a
young age. And I don’t bundle them in blankets and hats and long sleeves to
protect them against the winds…in this daily 88 degree humid heat.
I break many more American customs. I deliver my babies
overseas. I put my son in a preschool where he has to speak a foreign language.
I live in a place that most Americans fear and assume is full of all kinds of
crazy dangers, and simply no place for kids.
All this rule-breaking has taught me some good lessons about
motherhood.
Lesson #1: Don’t worry about pleasing other people when it
comes to your kids.
There
are many ways of doing life, of teaching kids, of making a family. Someone
somewhere in the world will think what you do is weird. So, I aim to stop
worrying about what others think as I try to do what’s best for my own family.
Lesson #2: Sometimes listen to others’ experienced advice.
On the
flip side, I knew almost nothing about having kids when I started this whole
thing four years ago. And I’ve learned techniques from many cultures—from my
American friends, from my Indonesian neighbors. It doesn’t hurt to listen to
what others’ experiences are. Take the ideas that work and leave the rest.
Lesson #3: Don’t do it alone.
Even
with all the cultural differences out there in rearing kids; realities like sleepless
nights, headstrong toddlers, and parent-child bond have a way of breaking down
those differences. Mothers are everywhere. They share many of the same
struggles. They have a passion for their children in common. And they are
usually excited to meet with other mothers.
Lesson #4: Let motherhood unite us.
One
thing that surprised me and continues to surprise me about motherhood is how
many “stances” there are. Pro-breastfeeding vs. formula feeding. Attachment
parenting vs. non-attachment. Home-schooling vs. public school vs. private
school. Everyone believes they’re right and the others are wrong. Fingers point
and tongues cluck.
Meanwhile mothers everywhere struggle with isolation, with loneliness.
When
you live in a culture not your own, where the issues are far more extreme
(believing that evil spirits will snatch your children in the night, struggles
with life-threatening diarrhea in young children because of unsanitary
conditions, whether or not to put a head covering on your 5-year-old little
girl), many of these other issues fall away.
And
when you’re like me, doing this motherhood thing on the other side of the world
from everything familiar, you learn to use motherhood as a way to bring you
closer to people. And you figure out that mothers everywhere care deeply for
their children—and they don’t seem so different after all.
photo credit, Tripp Flythe
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